Dear Future Test Pilot,

I mentioned in a recent post that I was not opposed to someday finding love again. It's not among my greatest hopes and dreams. I won't set myself up for that kind of disappointment. Although, if it should stumble into my life, I'm not so arrogant as to turn my nose up at it. But because I have been so hurt, so many times, I think I can safely say, the road for the man who is unfortunate enough to be the one with whom I "test the waters" of romance, will not be an easy one.

I don't have any intention of signing up for any online dating sites. They may work for some folks, but I once had a friend who had quite a few horror stories, and more than one (or twenty) booty call incidences, and I really just have no interest in sifting through. If it's going to happen for me, it will happen the old fashioned way. Or not.

Since I won't be filling out a "dating profile", I thought I would put together a few guidelines so the poor soul won't have to go in completely on the blind:

1) If we are casually dating, (dinner, movies, a drink now and then), your privacy is all yours. The moment you think you might want an exclusive relationship, it's all cards on the table. No secrets. No lies. If you have a secret passcode on your phone, your computer, your tablet, or any other means of hiding shit, in my head, you are a sneaky, lying snake. It doesn't matter how much you're not. It's either full disclosure, or don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. I know you shouldn't be punished for the sins of another man, but you will be. This is non-negotiable.

2) I had a life before I met you. If you are jealous of any part of that life, adios. I won't apologize or pretend it never happened. I'm not throwing out my wedding album or the video, because my daughter deserves to know that there was once a time when her parents were very much in love. And I deserve to have that memory as well. It was a beautiful time in my life, which is the reason it was all so painful when it ended so badly. That part is over, but it will always be a part of who I've become. It might be a source of irritation, but I promise you, that broken union is largely responsible for the confident, happy woman I am. However, if you are kind enough to build me a firepit, we can pull that giant wedding photo out from behind the wall unit, and roast marshmallows over it:)

3) I have kids. Don't let this point being number 3 fool you. This is the most important thing about me. You will never come before my children. Because I am a kickass mother, my children will always be respectful of you, and any place you may earn in my life, but I am their mother before I am anything. If that's a problem, Just. Don't. Even.

4) I have a big family. They are needy. They are a little off the wall. (Ok...a lot.) They are loud. (Although, I am probably the loudest.) I have said on numerous occasions, our family soundtrack is from Ringling Brothers. My mom has such an intense resting bitch face, you might flinch when she walks in the room. At least until she sees you treating me well. Should she pick up a different vibe from you, just run.

5) While all 3 of my kids are equally important to me, my oldest and youngest, have and will move away, respectively. My middle child is severely autistic, minimally verbal, and completely dependent. He will always be with me. There will never be an empty nest. There will never be romantic traveling in our golden years. My ex is probably someday going to be enjoying all the freedom that comes with an empty nest. He has most of the benefits of that now. I don't give a shit. My boy will be with me until I take my last breath. He's a good boy, most of the time, and entertains himself. But he's mine. I brought him into this world, and I will guide him through it until my body ceases to carry me.

6) Because my boy can't tell me what happens during the course of his day, I don't have any options for working full time. I don't have anyone I trust to care for him, I won't ask my daughter to give up her childhood to care for him, and I can't afford to pay for child care. If you enjoy a rich lifestyle, I won't be able to contribute to that fund. I love going out and having fun like anyone might. But I've learned to live without it.

7) Flowers are nice. But if you want to impress me, Beringers White Zinfandel. I don't want more expensive wine. I just want what I love.

8) I love Christmas. I love to decorate BIG!!! If you ever move me, wherever I live will depend on whether or not I can light up the front lawn like a landing strip for Santa and his team, If you are on board with helping me string lights around the free world so my house would shame Clark Griswold, we'll be good:)

9) I am a decent cook. Some things I make really well. Some things I will never get right. But I am tired. I appreciate surprise Chinese food.

10) I have internet friends. I love them. Really love them. If this is silly to you, just keep on walking. Their friendship is real. How I feel when I talk to them is real. How we hold each other up is real. Don't disrespect the people in the screen.

11) There may come a time when we choose to be intimate. This may be very tricky. I have pushed out three children, (the largest of whom was 9 pounds 10 ounces). I have reached a point in my life where sneezing has become a hazard. It has been a REALLY long time since any man has ventured down that road, and I'm relatively sure, opening that door would result in a dust storm of epic proportions. So between the faulty bladder and the possibility of Operation Desert Storm, you may need a raincoat, or a dust mask. Or both.

12) I am a part time blogger. If you are good to me, and prefer I keep the details of our (future) relationship out of the public eye, I can respect your wishes. If you are a douche, I will bury you. Not actually...I always remain within the confines of the law. But if you disrespect me, the story of you that I tell, will be truthful, and you will be sorry you were a douche. So don't be a douche.

As for the rest, you will have to figure it all out as we go. In one of those ancient mating rituals of asking questions. To my face.

And yes...all the above guidelines apply to me as well. Do unto others. And shit.