It's My Free To Be Me-Iversary

The date had been on my mind for a few days. At a different point in my life, it may have brought on some feelings of sadness and loss. But to the ME I am today, this day gives me every reason to celebrate!

One year ago today, I left for work in the morning and I did my five hour shift in the school lunchroom. I came home and started to get ready for the kids coming home from school. There were a few things out of place in the kitchen, but I didn't really pay them much mind until later. I went upstairs to collect my daughter's dirty clothes, and when I walked past his room, that's when I realized, my husband had moved out.

SURPRISE!!!!

The marriage had been dead for a long time, and neither of us wanted to be the one to pull the plug. I guess his current relationship was what it took for him to finally walk away, and there are a million reasons that should be devastating to me, even today, but it's not. I don't even want to talk about any of that right now. It's become exhausting. I DO want to talk about the wonderful things I have learned about myself in the year without him.

Lately, I have been fixated on evolution. I don't mean the kind of evolution that turns volcanoes into islands or dinosaur remains into fossil fuel. I mean personal evolution. I mean having the ability to be who I was yesterday, and knowing I have the power to change the parts I don't like and become somebody new today. Every day.

I am a huge Anne Rice fan. I started reading The Vampire Chronicles back in my early twenties. I know people will either love her or maybe not so much, but I LOVED every word. To this day, I am in love with The Vampire Lestat. Right now I'm sure you're thinking, "What the HELL do vampires have to do with a broken marriage and evolution?" Hang on. I'm getting there.

At some point in The Chronicles, somebody asks Lestat how he manages to survive the changing centuries when so many other vampires have been driven mad by the progressing world. It's been quite a few years since I've read the books, and I couldn't tell you where or in which book the question was asked, but the answer was,

"I am able to adapt".

Five words in a fiction series that have given me power my whole life.

Now, I'm not some storybook groupie and I don't mean to say that my life doctrine is based on a fictional character, but you have to admit, the concept of those words is pretty powerful. When we are faced with sadness, we can crumble or adapt. When faced with hardships, we can either be defeated by them or rise to the challenge. And when faced with life altering changes, we can either be devastated by them, or we can adapt.

I loved my husband. His selfish need to justify his behavior will compel him to disagree, but if you want to know how much I loved him, ask his mother. I believed he loved me, and didn't ever consider  I could be wrong until an argument toward the end. I asked him, "What do you need from me, to move toward fixing this marriage?"  His answer was,

"I need you to change EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF!"

Ouch.

So I said, "I am exactly the same person I was when you met me. If this is how you feel, does it mean you never liked anything about me?"

"I guess I just never realized it."

That was what it took. That conversation made it so easy to let him go. It was mean, it was hateful and it was hurtful. And it relieved me of any lingering hope that we could ever fix what was so very broken.

Living alone with my kids is sometimes a struggle. Most of the struggles are financial, and we have all learned to live without. This week, the dog has eaten Cheerios for three days, but we'll all be just fine because we're infinitely happier. There is no more stress. No more stress over what time dinner is ready, (it never was on time for him, but there was always the stress). No more stress over the tension when my oldest came to visit. No more stress over every damned thing I do being "wrong".

So now that it's been a whole year of living without all that stress, let me tell you a few other things I have come to enjoy over the last twelve months:

1) I can cook (or not cook) WHATEVER THE HELL I DAMNED WELL PLEASE. All those Asian dishes served with rice (that he hated so much and I absolutely loved), 3 times a week! Breakfast for dinner? Why not?!! Pizza? $8.49 pies on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday!! WHAT. EVER. I. WANT.

2) The girl and I can wear perfume and polish our nails in the house without offending his sensitive sinuses.

3) When attending family functions, I don't have to keep watching the clock because he already gave me a "departure time". I can get there early, be the last one to go home, or spend the damned night if I want!

4) My family comes over more often. All the years my loving hubby told me that nobody came over because they couldn't stand to be around me, the truth is, it was HIM they couldn't stand to be around. Not so much him, as he related to THEM...but the way he treated ME left my sister-in-law, on numerous occasions, dragging my brother out the door early so he wouldn't feel compelled to teach dear old hubby how wrong it was to be such a hateful ass to me. Now that he's gone, I see them all the time. It's been warm and also validating.

5) My son has fewer meltdowns. His OCD is still sometimes intense and his inability to express himself sometimes leaves him incapable of controlling how upset he might be. But for the most part, I handle it without the anger and frustration that were the instant reaction of dear old dad. I'm not saying I NEVER lose it...I'm human. But it's rare. Without that constant disapproval, he is a much calmer, happier child.

6) My girl is less stressed. She can be herself without the daily challenge of "living up to daddy's image of her". She still deals with some deep anger with her dad that she keeps bottled up, but I'm doing my best to help her through it. And she's my very best friend, so we enjoy that much more now that it's just us.

7) I don't have to pretend to enjoy vacuuming and ironing. I don't have to feel guilty for so intensely loving my holiday decorations. I can boldly LOVE Christmas again.

8) I can associate with good, decent, loving people who he always thought were beneath him. Then again, he thought most people were beneath him. Including me.

9) My oldest can visit me any time he likes, and NOT have to feel hated. This is my favorite freedom.

10) I can be 100% authentically, unapoligetically myself. And I can love myself without the constant self  doubt that comes from someone constantly telling me how wrong I was. About everything.


It's been a whole year on my own, and I am happier than I have been in YEARS!! I would say that's cause for celebration. So happy free-to-be-me-iversary to me!!!